I Am Not A Flirt

Some people find flirting so easy. I know this, because I see some of my friends and people I know ‘in action’. Also because I go out at night – but not all the time, silly. I see girls whipping their booties back and forth in front of a drunk and very pleased guy. I see them rubbing their crotch against someone’s pants. On the other corner, there’s this two people who didn’t know each other 5 minutes ago and are now eating each others faces. While these people are doing their thing, I am either contemplating my life with a glass of something, or death staring and incredibly cute guy 3197 miles away. Or, I’m just awkwardly dancing  there, hoping to have someone come up to me, sweep me off my feet and take me to a magical castle by a pumpkin-turned-into-a-carriage. But it never happens because my dance is too cool for them and they get intimidated. Aha.

Yes, the last part was a lie. Actually, leaving the bar alone proves you’re not a flirt. I don’t know if you should feel happy or sad for that, but anyhow; Congratulations!

Congratulations because instead of dancing with both legs opened wide and your undies flashing to everyone in the club, you cross them and drink a glass of wine and chose to be classy. Instead of coming up to that guy you’ve been death staring for hours, you chose to dance with your drunk friend with her ass up in someone’s pants. Say hello to being a third wheel. Also, Congratulations for realizing that you could possibly live with 72 cats and die alone, than waking up to that cute guy you’ve been death staring at a bar, 50 years ago.

This kind of comparison is very identical and distinguished, as I still act like a 14-year old fangirling over Jesse McCartney – on the TV. I touch my hair all the time and ‘fix’ it. I twirl my hair around and pull it like I’m a 4th grader reporting what we did last meeting. Sometimes I wish it was still possible to ask your friend to tell a guy you like that you like him and he will not judge you for it, because this, my friend, is scary and difficult.

I’ve read about eye contact, and that it’s like the best and easiest way you can take a head’s up on flirting. But eye contact just basically means ‘I want to rub my nose all over your Petroleum Jelly-soaked body’ to me. And trust me, it’s not as hot as you think it is. Sometimes, well most of the time, I try to have a ‘successful’ eye contact with a guy and it usually goes something like this: stare for .5 seconds, look away, notice that he looked back at me, probably not really at me but somewhere around me and panic that he might actually noticed you staring at him. And, girls and boys, that is NOT how you have an eye contact to someone. That is also not how you lure them into you. So if you’re going to ask me for flirting advice, don’t even bother.

And if – by any chance that I am drunk and gathered enough courage to talk ‘normally’ to a guy, normal to me is actually the opposite of the English word. It’s not a surprise that my smile goes from ear to ear with my full set of teeth just flashing at you, seductively. I twist around, knees would start to weaken and I spill drinks on everyone. Not a very good look, I suppose.

But it goes out of the bars as well. I’m not a fan of flirty text messages because I don’t want to sit there and act like it’s a tea party and giggle the whole time I’m staring at my phone. Also because I hate texting, it stresses my fingers. I’m also not a fan of hugs because hugs are confusing. I also hate winks, because winks from old people are weird and creepy.

I guess that’s the thing about flirting, you never know whether they’re flirting or just giving a compliment. There’s a difference.

That point I’m making is this; I’m not good at flirting, because I hate flirting. That or I just hate rejection. I’m not freaking Angelina Jolie, people. Which maybe also explains why I’m still single. Whatever.

 

 

 

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23 thoughts on “I Am Not A Flirt

  1. Flirting is not always a good thing. As you say, after five minutes people are face hugging and attempting to turn into Siamese twins. I think you will find that people will think more of you for being reserved. 🙂

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  2. Absolutely enjoyed this. It’s sooo true. And maybe its a good thing you don’t like or know how to flirt. Because it means the impression you leave on people is purely from being the person you are. Which is highly respected by most.

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  3. I shared this on my fb account with the comment: “I love this Lady’s perspective. She may think she’s goofy, but I think she’s a class act.” Keep ’em crossed and have another glass of wine 😉

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  4. I loved this…it had me laughing and snorting! And, sad to say (and you know this, because you just liked MY last post) I’m YEARS older than you and just as flipping clueless as ever about this sort of thing!

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  5. You have a distinctive voice and style which is utterly captivating. The beginnings of an old soul in creation caught in the limbo of youth. Some people say stay true to who you are, but how do you stay true to who you are when you don’t know who that is going to be tomorrow, next week, or next year? There is a seed of truth within us all, but it must be grown. A word of wisdom unasked for yet given. There is a truth that is ultimate and absolute, and will touch you with feathered wings invisible as you go through your days…Be a seeker of it. Search for it with all your heart, And when you find it embrace it as a lover holds the the truest love they’ve ever known, and never let it go. Great writing in an understated way. 🙂

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  6. This is honestly the story of my love life. Thank you for reminding me so vividly why I suck at this game and why it’s better to remain respectable rather than desperate for attention. I say the former with the utmost respect of your perspective.

    Dancing for myself,
    ~Ren

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  7. Another great post, Katrina! Really enjoying your writing. Among the many, I found this comment interesting:

    “Actually, leaving the bar alone proves you’re not a flirt.”
    Perhaps it’s semantics, but I’d say leaving the bar alone proves a person’s not easy, separate from whether or not someone’s a flirt?

    And if I might also suggest that you in fact flirt better than the rest of them, it’s just that you’re doing it on such a natural and more intelligent level that most drunken bar slobs and their one working brain cell at the time are simply just confused. 🙂

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  8. Thumbs up to you and thumbs up to this post! NO to flirting cause it is rather confusing! I am single and really proud to be one cause that gives me the freedom to sway with the wind and shake my ass In pubs ans bars the way I WANT!I am certainly following you. Great blog!
    Love,
    -Naima.

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